THINGS TO REMEMBER ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE CASE

1. The purpose of your divorce is to put an end to an unacceptable situation, not to publicly air your grievances against your spouse. You should have already made every effort to work out yourdifferences through counseling and discussions with one another. If you have not, you perhaps need to consider further attempts to work things out. Once you have decided to go through with thedivorce, you should make your best attempt to control your anger and frustration, and approach thesituation in a businesslike manner.

2. Having said that, I realize that few people can go through a divorce without some anger and frustration. While a good attorney will be understanding about your situation and sensitive to your concerns, (s)he is not a psychologist or social worker. Many people need personal counseling to helpthem through this time, and you should not feel ashamed to seek professional help. Children can be especially vulnerable, and you should at least consult with someone regarding their well-being.

3. Courts are not interested in hearing about what a bad person your spouse is, unless (s)he isa really bad person, and has physically abused or otherwise endangered you or your children,committed a felony, committed adultery or some other act(s) which directly caused the breakup ofthe marriage, or is guilty of serious emotional abuse (such as abuse sufficient to necessitate psychological or psychiatric treatment). Once you bring these things up, however, your spouse maychoose to try to convince the judge that you are as bad or worse, so you need to be proceed withcaution in doing so.

4. Once you decide on a course of action, stick to it unless you have a very good reason for notdoing so. Every time you change your mind as to how to proceed, you will incur additionalattorneys' fees. Before you call to propose a change, sleep on it for a day or two. Unless you or achild is in danger, there is seldom any need to rush things.

5. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT NEITHER YOU NOR YOUR SPOUSE IS LIKELY TO BE TOTALLY SATISFIED WITH THE OUTCOME. It is almost impossible for you or your spouse to be as well off financially after the divorce for some time afterward. The cost of the divorce and the cost of setting up two households instead of one are almost invariably going to place a financial strain on both parties.

6. THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES IN COURT. If it is necessary to litigate your case, thejudge is going to have to make a "just and right" division of your property and debts, and is goingto have to enter orders (s)he believes to be in the "best interest" of the children, if applicable. Theseterms are vague, and give the judge a great deal of leeway in making rulings. Judges are humanbeings, and will make mistakes on occasion.

Things you need to do while the divorce is pending:

1. Collect as much information as possible about your property. You especially need to obtaincopies of deeds, titles to autos, income tax forms, stock certificates, etc.

2. If your spouse has acted in such a manner as to give you some grounds for additional damagesor a favorable division of your property, you should prepare a brief chronology of the events leadingup to your separation and a list of persons who may have been witnesses to these events. Actionsto focus on include:

1. Child or Spousal Abuse
2. Adultery
3. Drug Abuse
4. Criminal Activity
5. Misappropriation of Community Funds (extravagant gifts to relatives, paramours, etc.)

3. Seek counseling for yourself and children as needed.

4. If you have any reason to fear your spouse, be especially careful. Even if you get protective orders or injunctions, they will not prevent you from being harmed.

5. Watch your own behavior. If you wish to bring up any of the things mentioned in number 2.on this page, your spouse may be watching you to see if (s)he can make similar claims.

Things you should not do:

1. Seek legal advice from your friends and neighbors. Even if they have been involved in divorces, each case is different, and there are often changes in the law which may affect the outcomeof particular cases.

2. Discuss conversations between you and your attorney with your spouse. Unless I advise youotherwise, it is generally all right to talk to your spouse about arrangements to pick up and deliverchildren, exchange personal items, etc., but proposals for division of property and debts, child supportand visitation, and custody are best made in writing by me to your spouse's attorney.

3. Allow your relationship with your spouse to damage your relationship with your children.Assure them that they are not the cause of the divorce, and try not to criticize your spouse in frontof them. If your spouse's behavior is as bad as you may believe it is, your children will figure it outfor themselves soon enough. Unless your spouse is abusive, you should encourage your children tomaintain as positive a relationship with both of you as possible, and, if you have custody during thedivorce, encourage visitation with your spouse. This will allow your spouse to carry some of theburden of child-rearing and give you some time to yourself.